My girlfriend abused me but it took time to see myself as a survivor

The first time my partner, Philippa*, attacked me, it was Christmas Eve 2021. We were at her flat when, suddenly, she became enraged. An argument began when I said I didn’t feel comfortable about one of her friends, who had previously made a pass at her, staying overnight. She went from defensive to furious. I retreated to the kitchen for safety, but that was a mistake. I was in a corner of the kitchen, blocked by her – and what came next was a barrage of attacks to the face.

I remember feeling the first blow – the knuckles on her right hand connecting with my right eyebrow – then the grabbing and yanking of my hair followed swiftly by her attacking me with copper pots, a rolling pin and her nails. After a few minutes, she finally let up. I then managed to dial 999 and, a week later, Philippa was formally charged with domestic assault. A restraining order was put in place until the first court date a month later.

However, I later felt extreme mixed emotions and didn’t want that incident to impact Philippa’s life – so I emailed the police to try and stop the legal proceedings, but the process had already been set in motion. Two weeks after the incident, Philippa and I got back together. I was lonely, and I loved her. But she never apologised. The whole trial process took around nine months and Philippa was ultimately ‘admonished’, which meant she was found guilty but wasn’t given a fine and crucially, no record.

Looking back now, I wish I’d left for good then. Philippa and I met on a dating app in Autumn 2021. Within two months, I was practically living with her – and that’s when the cracks began to show. The first time she hit me, it was the middle of the night. We’d been laying in bed when I was suddenly backhanded across the face. For a brief moment I thought it was unintentional, but I still shouted ‘what was that for?’.

‘Shut up, shut up, shut up’, she replied. ‘I’m trying to sleep’. Another backhand quickly followed and I could taste blood. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. And whether you are currently coping with or have made the decision to leave, you do have options. Read more here. When I broached what happened the next day, I was met with a barrage of excuses: ‘I was cold, I don’t remember. You’ve made the whole thing up just to have a go at me.’.

Things only got worse, leading to the incident on Christmas Eve. Yet I found it all too easy to justify Philippa’s actions. I knew she’d been diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and had tried to take her own life. After we got back together though, nothing changed. In fact, the abuse started to come in month-long cycles, in a variety of attacks, for the remainder of the relationship.

Philippa was nearly always drunk when she attacked me. It was often a slap, a punch, a kick, or a shoe thrown at my head in the flat. It also became normal for me to go to sleep with her issuing elbows to my back, or sharp nipping. I ended up with two orbital fractures that ultimately required corrective surgery to fix. I was lying to my bosses about needing to take a day off because I was ill, whereas in reality I’d been made to sleep on the floor for days or hadn’t slept at all.

My GP issued me repeat prescriptions for sedatives, antidepressants, antipsychotics and beta-blockers. I told him I was in an on-and-off difficult relationship but never went into detail about the physical abuse. Soon, Philippa would start arguments in public. Once, in October 2022, we were heading back from a pub on a weeknight when Philippa insisted that she wanted to keep drinking even though I said I wanted to go home. Her response was to start screaming: ‘This man has stolen my bag.’.

Within a minute I was set upon by a group of passing lads. I ended up with two orbital fractures that ultimately required corrective surgery to fix. But as I took an Uber alone to the hospital that night, Philippa went for another drink. If you are in immediate danger call 999. If you cannot talk, dial 55 and the operator will respond. For emotional support, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, for practical and emotional support, please contact Women’s Aid Live Chat 10am – 6pm seven days a week.

You can also reach the National Centre for Domestic Violence on 0800 270 9070 or text NCDV to 60777. For free and confidential advice and support for women in London affected by abuse, you can call Solace on 0808 802 5565 or email advice@solacewomensaid.org. Male victims of domestic abuse can call 01823 334244 to speak to ManKind, an initiative available for male victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence across the UK as well as their friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues and employers.