The seven hidden signs you and your friend are a victim of coercive control, revealed by a top trauma therapist

The world took a collective gasp as Bianca Censori dropped her fur coat to reveal her naked body on the Grammys red carpet – seemingly encouraged by rapper husband Kanye West. Commentators expressed concern that Censori, who wore an ultra sheer mini dress, was being coercively controlled by West, and her blank expression was a cry for help. Others claimed the stunt was a feminist act; that the architectural designer was making a bold statement of ownership over her body.

This conflict is testament to how hard it can be to tell when someone is in the clutches of a controlling partner. As a trauma therapist, I recognise we have a real issue with spotting non-visible signs of abuse. This can lead to isolation, shame and victims feeling judged and not believed. So how can you know when your loved one is in a controlling relationship? Here are the signs to look out for . . .

Concerns were expressed after a fully clothed Kanye West and his near-naked wife Bianca Censori appeared on the red carpet at the 67th Annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. If your friend seems to say 'sorry' for things that don't warrant an apology, like giving an opinion or asking for help, it could be a red flag. Over time, a coercively controlling partner erodes their confidence, making your friend feel like a burden for simply existing and conditioning them to believe they are always in the wrong.

People change over time, but with coercive control the change feels unsettling rather than progressive. You might remember your friend as confident, outspoken, or full of energy, yet now they seem hesitant, unsure and emotionally drained. They may feel obligated to wear certain clothing to get approval from their partner. This could be dressing more conservatively, or more provocatively, to show the world they are someone's property.

This loss of self doesn't happen overnight but, if you look back, you might notice they are a shadow of the -person they used to be. When someone is in a coercively controlled relationship, they may act as their partner's defence lawyer, justifying harmful behaviour. If they constantly explain away their partner's actions with comments such as, 'They're just under a lot of stress', or 'They didn't mean it like that' or 'It's not usually this bad', it's a warning sign.

Coercively controlling partners often pressure their victims to maintain a positive public image of the relationship, discouraging any discussion of abuse or mistreatment. They may explicitly tell their partner not to 'badmouth' them in public, using guilt, fear or threats to ensure compliance. This manipulation forces victims to present a false narrative, often portraying the abuser as a loving or respectable partner, which can make it even harder for them to seek support or be believed when they do speak out.

It's normal to be sympathetic to one's partner, but pay attention to their body language. Do they seem uneasy, or avoid eye contact, as if they're trying to convince themselves as much as you?. Financial control is a powerful tool in coercive relationships. Your friend might casually mention that their partner prefers to 'handle the finances' or joke they 'have to ask their other half first'. They might hesitate before making small purchases or hardly ever spend money on themselves, even basics.

If they were once financially independent but now seem restricted, unable to make financial decisions without their partner's approval, this is a serious red flag. Therapist Caroline Strawson pinpoints the signs that could mean a partner is in trouble. Does your friend seem nervous on checking their phone, rushing to reply to texts as if there's a deadline? Do they suddenly cancel plans at the last minute with vague or unconvincing excuses?.

Coercively controlling partners often create an atmosphere where their victim feels watched, even when they're not physically present. This can be through constant messaging, location tracking, and scrutiny of calls and social media. Victims learn to self-censor, leaving them feeling watched even when alone. Your friend may avoid certain topics or people because their partner 'doesn't like them'. Their world is likely being controlled in ways they can't even see themselves.

A common coping mechanism for someone being coercively controlled is to laugh off troubling behaviour. They might joke about their partner's jealousy, possessiveness, or temper as acknowledging the truth is too dangerous. 'Oh, they just worry about me a lot' or 'They're just like that' are phrases that seem harmless but could be masking something more serious. Nervous laughter might be a sign they are testing if it's safe to admit how they really feel.

One of the most insidious effects of coercive control is the erosion of a person's ability to trust themselves. If your friend often asks, 'Do you think I'm overreacting?' when recalling something unfair or harmful, it could be because their partner has spent months or years convincing them they are irrational. They may second-guess themselves constantly, struggle to express opinions without hesitation, or seem to seek permission to speak freely.