The White Lotus Season 3, episode 2 review: guns in paradise

Well, that was an eventful episode, wasn’t it? This is what happens when Mike White puts his foot on the pedal: in the space of one hour, we get several cults of personality, a weird incestuous family, a smash and grab (with guns!) and none other than Greg.

Yes, he’s back, and it looks like he’s not going away any time soon. Quite what he’s doing in Thailand is anybody’s guess, but it seems like he’s a fan of the White Lotus brand – him and his uber-hot, uber chic girlfriend (played by Charlotte Le Bon), with whom he regularly gets into fights.

“I’m retired,” he blithely tells a retired Rick over an awkward dinner conversation. What did he do beforehand? “This and that.”. “There are a lot of people here who do this and that,” Rick replies (himself included). “Decent line of work.”.

Yep, Greg is living the dream, thanks to Tanya’s fortune – at least until Belinda remembers where she last saw him. And judging by the thoughtful looks she’s giving him at dinner, it might not be long until she twigs. But until that particular powder keg explodes (can’t wait), there’s plenty of dysfunction going around. Given this episode is themed around wellness, there’s very little of it on show. Top of the list is Jaclyn and her three buddies, who excel at professing how much they love each other – while at the same time stabbing each other in the back every chance they get.

“I’m just so happy we’re all in the same place,” Jaclyn tells Kate about their friend Laurie. “Sounded like that divorce got pretty gnarly though.”. Soon enough, the pair are airing Laurie’s dirty laundry, complaining about her wayward daughter, parasitic ex-spouse and apparent drinking problem… only for Laurie and Kate to be doing the same thing about Jaclyn by the end of the episode (only, this time, about her much younger, apparently very hot husband).

When the girls aren’t subtly putting each other down, they’re spending time with at the hotel’s spa, fighting over whom the handsome Russian spa attendant finds most attractive, or sitting through the hotel’s music hour with the manager (Patravadi Mejudhon), a former starlet who apparently loves putting on a show for the guests, with herself as the main attraction.

“She is really truly a legend,” her aide (Arnas Fedaravičius) gushes. “She encourages us all to make healthy choices and to develop our artistic side.” Cult of personality much?. And then there’s the Ratliffs. In the gallery of oddballs that make up the cast, this family might be one of the oddest we’ve ever had – though props to Jason Isaacs for his treacle-thick Southern accent, which gradually gets thicker and thicker over the course of the episode as he begins to realise just how much trouble he’s in.

In one scene, Saxon (I’ve said it before, but Patrick Schwarzenegger does make for a wonderfully detestable nepo-bro) is complaining about his massage not having a happy ending while his mother shrieks with laughter; in another, younger brother Lochlan is quizzing his sister about religion, and whether or not she’s a virgin.

“It’s weird because you’re so hot but you’ve never had sex. It’s like a compliment,” he says. “It’s not that bad, it’s not a big deal.” Understandably, she’s furious and swims off, but the uncomfortable undertones remain. Why so incestuous?.

Even compared to last season, there’s something in the air in Thailand: somebody is spraying pheromones around like perfume and everybody is shooting hot glances at each other. Even Belinda is affected: her masseuse programme takes a turn for the unexpected when her colleague turns out to be a) hot and b) ripped. “How would you like me?” he asks coyly when the time comes for her to give him her ‘signature treatment’ massage. I mean...

With all that going on, it’s a wonder White manages to squeeze in the aforementioned smash and grab (which happens in front of a stunned Chelsea) in the hotel shop. But it does happen, and raises a whole lot more questions: namely, who’s behind it?.

Could it be Greg? Could it be Rick? For that matter, why does Rick want to speak to the hotel manager’s husband that badly - badly enough to announce he’s leaving for Bangkok at the end of the episode?. No answers for now; this is him laying the groundwork for what will surely be a fireworks display later on. The tension is building, soundtracked by the sound of drumming and constant cutaways to images of monkeys and gurning stone statues. The explosions, when they come, are going to be tremendous fun.

There have been some fan theories floating around the internet that the Ratliff siblings represent the old monkey-themed adage ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.’ Given the many, many panning shots of monkeys that we’ve seen in the series so far, plus the image of them sitting on the boat at the start (Saxon wearing sunglasses, Piper wearing headphones and Lochlan drinking something), there could be something to it.