I had to cope with the trauma of sexual abuse alone because of my aristocratic family's code of silence... and lost decades as a drug addict

Growing up in a five-storey house in affluent south Kensington, Eleanor Anstruther enjoyed the privileges that come with being born into the British aristocracy. Her father was a baronet, descended from a duke, and her weekends were spent riding ponies on the family estate in West Sussex. The last thing anyone would have expected was for Eleanor's life to crash to the depths of drug addiction and abject squalor.

And yet, she spent much of her adult life living in squats and 'self-medicating with every drug there is'. It was only five years ago that memories of long-repressed sexual abuse resurfaced and she realised what she'd been trying to run away from all those years. 'I wanted for nothing, materially, and yet I used every substance available, just trying to escape,' says Eleanor, now 53. 'Then I saw a photograph of an author in a bath, a glass of wine in her hand, and something about it brought back a memory of our au pair, in a bath, and triggered the most terrible recollections. I remembered being sexually abused by her boyfriend, who lived with her in the basement of our house, and all the pieces of this dreadful puzzle fell into place.

Eleanor Anstruther is now a successful author and doting mother of 17-year-old twin sons. 'Although the picture that formed was absolutely horrific, it meant I was suddenly able to understand why my life turned out as it did.'. Thankfully, this is a story of remarkable redemption. For not only is Eleanor now clean and sober, she is also a successful author and doting mother of 17-year-old twin sons, who has dedicated herself to shielding them from the type of trauma she lived through.

She is speaking out because, she says: 'Abuse thrives in darkness and silence, so being honest about what happened is a crucial part of healing, for me.'. Having been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), Eleanor has spent the last few years in therapy coming to terms with her past, even writing about it in her book, A Memoir In 65 Postcards & The Recovery Diaries, which was published last year.

There were times while writing that she felt suicidal. 'I remember being so worried I might hurt myself that I climbed into the bath – for some reason I felt safe there – and called a friend,' recalls Eleanor. 'She was a lifeline. In the grips of CPTSD, it's hard to believe I'll ever be able to cope. The symptoms are physical, too. I feel a band of intense pressure around my head and a metallic taste in my mouth.'.

But, raised in a family where feelings were rarely talked about, she has never discussed the abuse with her mother, now 94 – her father died 17 years ago, aged 85 – or her siblings. Eleanor says she 'doesn't want to throw my parents under a bus'. She explains, 'I believe that they did their best, but, whatever your class, if you're not engaged in your children's lives then terrible things can happen.'.

She also points to the 'tradition among the upper-classes of disassociating from feelings', explaining: 'There was an unconscious desire, in my family, passed down through the generations, to pretend everything was fine, when it really wasn't. We all colluded in that. 'How I felt about the things that happened to me never seemed to be important,' says Eleanor. 'So I'd take myself away and talk to my cat, my pony and my teddy, instead.'.

Eleanor is the daughter of Sir Ian Anstruther, 8th Baronet of Balcaskie and 13th Baronet of Anstruther, and a descendant of the 8th Duke of Argyll. She grew up surrounded by oil paintings of her ancestors and amidst proud discussions about how their lineage could be traced back a thousand years. She studied at the prestigious Westminster School, where fees start at £44,000 a year, and inherited a substantial trust fund.

Eleanor is the youngest of five children from Sir Ian's second marriage, to her mother, Susan, an architect. The family spent their summers on a sprawling estate in the South of France. Their Kensington residence, close to the Victoria and Albert Museum, was part of a large estate which had been in the Anstruther family for generations. Eleanor recalls going to teach English in southern Africa in her late teens and 'looking out of my little hut in Zimbabwe, and realising it was the first time I'd lived on land that wasn't ours'.

However, in many other respects, Eleanor's childhood was far from the traditional upbringing found in most upper-class families. Her mother, a lifelong Labour voter with a strong social conscience, elected to send her children to local state schools – Eleanor later transferred to Westminster for A-levels – and opened their London home to 'waifs and strays', including refugees from central and eastern Europe.