Sponsored by. AFTER being released from his club ten years ago, former footballer Clarke Carlisle lost a £100,000-a-year TV job and blew much of his life savings in one trip to a casino. The same night as that loss, the ex-Premier League star, who was battling depression, went missing before jumping in front of a truck in an attempt to end his life. But today, the 45-year-old speaks of the joy of being alive — and explains that instead of turning to gambling in his dark days, he now seeks solace . . . by hiding behind the fridge.

Clarke and his wife Carrie work to help others facing suicidal thoughts, holding online talks and courses for people dealing with mental health issues. The defender, whose clubs included Blackpool, Burnley and QPR, said: “I have been to the edge of existence. "Now I can proudly say I’ve not had an episode of depression for years. I’ve not needed meds for three years. I am the most well I’ve ever been.”.

Carrie added of one of his new coping mechanisms: “He literally goes and hides behind the fridge. He goes there and takes a little moment. “I won’t even know he’s there, and I’ll open the fridge and the fridge light will go on and I’ll see the ears from his Batman onesie.”. Clarke, who has two children with Carrie and three from previous relationships, added: “I know when I start coming down and I need to withdraw. I would stand in the dark, on my own and in my own thoughts.

“So I would stand there when I needed to with-draw. The key part of it, it is also where the radiator is. When I do experience depression, I physically get cold. It’s about finding the way for you to deal with things.”. Clarke, who was chairman of the Professional Footballers’ Association and has also appeared as a contestant on TV game show Countdown, said: “I was a perfectionist as a footballer, critical of things that I would do.

“I was in an environment where it is about wins and losses. I tried to replicate that in normal life and in my relationships. My self-worth was governed by results and performances on this pitch. “So if we won, I felt great. I was a good human and then that would give me positivity going into all my wider interactions, because in my head, that makes me a good dad, a good husband, a good son. “If we lost, that meant I was a terrible human because other people were sad and I’d let them down, which made me a bad dad, a bad husband, a bad brother.

“Now I prioritise the things that matter. I meditate a lot, I pray, I prioritise family. I make sure I put the kids to bed at least once a week. “I make sure that they can come into my bedroom and jump on me in the morning. And Carrie and I make sure we have monthly date nights.”. With the annual mental health awareness Time To Talk Day next Thursday, Clarke said he still finds exercise triggers pressures he felt in his playing days and gets PTSD around the anniversary of his suicide bid.

He is now calling for an independent body to oversee the mental health of all footballers in the UK. Ex-TV presenter Carrie, a former alcoholic, said starting the process of writing a series of self-help material, such as Shut Up, Alcohol, played a part in helping Clarke get better. Clarke was released by Burnley in 2012 and in 2014 lost his £100,000-a- year ITV Champions League pundit role before that fateful trip to the casino. He then went missing before throwing himself in front of a lorry on the A64 Leeds to York dual carriageway.

Clarke was airlifted to Leeds General Infirmary. He suffered cuts, bruises, internal bleeding, a broken rib and a shattered left knee. On Christmas Day 2014, he was admitted as an in-patient to a psychiatric unit in Harrogate and placed on suicide watch. He remained there until he was discharged in February 2015, when, shortly after, he did an interview with The Sun. Ten years on, Clarke said: “After that, I knew I was very unwell. In the lead-up to that, I was being very negative, hypercritical, insular.

“I’d never done anything about my depression, and I was clinically depressed. "I didn’t take medication for a myriad of reasons but predominantly because I thought, ‘I’m a man and a Premier League footballer’. I didn’t understand that my thoughts were different or dangerous. “A lot of it was tied into self-worth. I do have an analytical mind. I was using alcohol so that my brain stopped thinking. I was using gambling so that my brain was thinking about something else.

“I’m really blessed I never got into drugs. If I had I would be dead now. “Football was pretty much the only thing I thought gave me value. So when I left, I was totally bereft of anything that anyone else valued about me. “I brought my football home, the perfectionism, the autistic portion, compulsive aspect, the need for everything to happen at this time, at this pace, immediate success or failure. There’s no middle ground.