'I thought I didn't deserve my survival': Ani Naqvi who lived through the Boxing Day tsunami by clinging to a tree reveals her 20-year battle with survivor's guilt - and how tragedy ultimately led her to happiness
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Gasping for air as the raging black water tossed me around like a doll, I believed this was it – my life was ending. Then amid the chaos and terror, I had a moment of complete clarity. ‘Remember this moment, you do not want to die,’ a voice said inside my head.
It’s now been 20 years since I came within seconds of death on a Sri Lankan beach during the most devastating tsunami on record. But despite the passing of time, my memories of that Boxing Day morning remain shockingly vivid. Unlike the estimated 230,000 people who perished in the ocean that day, I was spared. Yet survival was only the beginning.
I’ve spent the past two decades coming to terms with the fact I am alive when so many others died, turning my survivor’s guilt into a determination to have a life of purpose and meaning. It’s no surprise that the experience changed me, but what I never expected was that I would come to see the positives, even less that I would be using these lessons to help others.
In 2004 I was in my early 30s, with a flourishing media career as a journalist and my own home. I should have been happy and fulfilled – I had all the markers of a successful life. But instead I felt ‘grey’ and dissatisfied. Landing in the Sri Lankan capital Colombo a few days before Christmas 2004, I was also fragile, following an episode of depression, something I’d suffered with on and off throughout my adult life.