Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger. This week we hear from Harry*, 30, who is gay and lives in Leeds. Harry, a PR manager, is an a situationship with Mark*, who he met on Grindr. The pair have been together for six months, and sleep together about four times a week.
But now, Harry, who admits he has commitment issues, is feeling the pressure to make their relationship official. ‘Heartbreak is something I’ve experienced before and the thought of going through that again is debilitating,’ he tells Metro. ‘Intimacy scares me, and so does coming to rely on someone who I think will eventually let me down.’.
When it comes to the sex though, Harry is far more content. ‘It’s veracious and passionate,’ he says. ‘I’m confident with how I feel in my body and I know I’m a very sexually appealing man.’. Without further ado, here’s how Harry got on this week….
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What better way to start the week than with an orgasm. Mark spent Sunday evening at mine, which is quite the achievement considering a mere few months ago I would get an Uber home post-ejaculation. I’d pass it off as wanting the comfort of my own bed, but it was really to put physical distance between us to manage expectations.
It’s still dark outside and the room smells of last night’s sex and sweaty bodies. We begin to stir and he places his head on my chest and hands wandered below my waist. I’ve never met a man who has quite the same appetite for sex that I do. The synchronicity is comforting but exciting, however, in the back of my mind there’s still one hurdle yet to tackle: I’ve never been the bottom.
In the last six months Mark has always been the one receiving when it comes to penetrative sex, which suits me just fine. I feel much more confident and at ease as the top – the penetrator. In previous relationships I’ve enjoyed it, but after being hurt so many times before, I don’t fully trust how stable our relationship is. I think this is also why I’m still in the grey area of spending so much time with Mark, but unable to feel safe enough to make it official.
I get out of bed and throw on my gym kit for my morning workout. We kiss goodbye, and as always I never commit to our next meeting. After a bad night’s sleep, a relentless day of back-to-back meetings, and a 90-minute hot yoga class, I meet my boyfriend-that’s-not-my-boyfriend and we head over to mine.
We’re both absolutely shattered and it’s clear we just want to eat and sleep. Previously, spending the night with my love interest without sex would have sent me into a catastrophic meltdown. For years, I equated my self-worth to whether people wanted to have sex with me, whereas now I feel confident within myself. I know I’m enough and don’t need to be lusted after by other people to feel validated.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come, although, in the back of my mind I know we’ll be having sex in the morning. The sun rises, but our morning glory does not. I spent the majority of the night waking up to Mark’s snoring, and when I make a playful remark about it, it doesn’t land, killing the mood entirely.
I head to the gym for 6am, telling myself a morning fumble would have felt rushed and unfulfilling anyway. It’s chest day and my workout is littered with extended glances from strangers. Maybe they can sense the fragility of my relationship-not-relationship, or maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to push the boundaries.
In the changing rooms post-workout one of the guys from the gym floor gestures for me to join him in his shower cubicle. The key problem with being in a situationship is even though you’re technically not in a relationship, you still need to be respectful and refrain from receiving blow jobs from strangers in public. So, I decline.
In the evening, I head over to Mark’s flat. Strangely we feel closer after our morning disagreement as it opens up an honest conversation. I admit to being confused and trying to push him away, while he admits feeling unfulfilled and desperate to be close to me.
Open conversations always lead to passionate sex (in my experience) and this was no exception. It feels electric as I assume my natural position on top. Disaster strikes leading up to bedtime, as Mark accuses me of sending mixed messages – after our passionate sex, I became withdrawn again. Our communication breaks down rapidly and we argue.
We never seem to understand each other: I’m asking for the patience to feel comfortable with the pace of our relationship, while he needs reassurance to know where it’s going. Instead of staying and resolving our argument I get an Uber home. Over text I apologise for my breakdown in communication (again) and he suggests I take a couple of days to think.
