I chose to be childfree. I didn’t think I was choosing isolation too
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I’ll never stop trying, but parents and childfree people both have to work hard to maintain a community. We’d been riding our mountain bikes and chatting for a solid half-hour when my friend casually said: “Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.”. She said it the same way one might say: “I stopped by the grocery store” – although this was, in fact, a conversational hand grenade. My stomach dropped. No, I thought.
It was a weekday afternoon, and she’d been one of my few friends without children to pick up from school or care who could join me for a spontaneous outing. And now she was the third one of my friends in as many years who’d never been outwardly intent on motherhood to unexpectedly announce their pregnancy.
Although data shows that more Americans are choosing not to have children, it’s still an uncommon path. Now in my early 40s, I’ve watched many couples who said they didn’t want children swing the opposite direction. A sudden sense of loss washed over me. I’ve maintained, as best I can, my changed relationships with friends who became parents. But friends who were also childless by choice? Those were like gold, rare and precious.
I felt the isolation I often keep at bay slingshot past my defenses and settle heavily, but I schooled my face into a delighted smile. “Congratulations!” I exclaimed, jumping off my bike to wrap my friend in a hug. After all, I’m the one who chose this certain kind of freedom, who gets to travel to far-flung locales on short notice, go to an unscheduled concert, prioritize my own needs and desires. I never consciously chose the tradeoff of categorical exclusion from conversations, gatherings and entire friend circles. But still, I made the choice. I’m not supposed to bemoan it.
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