'Nigel Farage was wooed, seduced, and dumped by a Christmas cad'
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It would be hard for anyone not to have their head turned by the world's richest man. He's all over your socials, he's sliding into your DMs, then he asks you to dinner and it's such a whirlwind that you tell your friends he's The One, and let your enemies know you're about to be rich enough to crush them into the dirt.
Then as soon as the ball drops on New Year's Eve he drops you like you're radioactive, and to add insult to injury he does it on TWITTER which he OWNS and now ALL THE GIRLS CAN SEE. Nigel Farage is probably spending this week with a large tub of ice cream and Gloria Gaynor on repeat. Poor Nigel, wooed, seduced and dumped in under a month by a Christmas cad who just wanted a fling for the likes and the lolz: thoughts and prayers, Nigel. Thoughts and prayers.
Of course this particular break-up is not only because Elon Musk doesn't like Nigel just the way he is. It's because being in a committed relationship with Elon is a bit like wiping Saddam Hussein's arse: full of existential peril. Nigel met Elon through their mutual bestie Donald Trump, and all seemed to be going swimmingly. Rich white men who insist the world is against them, all agreeing with each other about how to run the world differently so that it was more tilted in favour of people who want to be rude or unkind and suffer no consequences for it.
Nigel was busy telling everyone Elon was going to write him a $100m cheque to help him win the next election, but all along his amour was having his head turned by racist jailbird and professional liar Tommy Robinson, real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon with a string of convictions for drugs, assault, and contempt of court.
