Actor Jessica Brown Findlay looks back: ‘I was told I would never dance again. It was devastating – but also a gift’
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The Downton Abbey star on being a goofy kid, coping with a terrible blow, and why she doesn’t struggle with impostor syndrome. This photo was taken in my garden in Cookham. I’m in my OshKosh dungarees, holding a half-eaten Funny Feet strawberry swirl ice-cream, and the elaborate butterfly face paint must have been from a school summer fete or a birthday party. As for the hair, I’m rocking some proper tight ringlets. I still rock a tight ringlet, to be honest.
The information I have about myself from that age is from other people, my parents, mainly. I know that I was very expressive, with no inhibitions. I was apparently pretty spirited and very goofy in general. As much as I enjoyed making people laugh, I was also insanely well behaved and terrified of getting in trouble. That fear also hasn’t changed. I can’t stand being told off.
I was a very imaginative child and used to spend a lot of time creating stories on my own, disappearing into made-up worlds. I adored dancing around, and ballet was my everything. I started early, aged two and a half. One day I came into nursery and a little girl was there wearing the full ballet regalia: pink tutu, leotard and everything. I thought: “Where do you go to wear that?” Mum says from that moment on I was obsessed.
Quite quickly, ballet became my entire personality. I loved the feeling of making something beautiful; the sensation of floating across the stage was almost mystical. I still have dreams where I’m dancing; it’s as if I am flying. I got a lot of satisfaction from training hard to make the movements look effortless. That duality, striving hard for that effortlessness, was intoxicating and magical. I was besotted with the haunting and romantic ballet stories. As for performing in assemblies or at family events, my passion for ballet was less about an extrovert “look at me” expression and more a form of self-exploration. I took it very seriously.
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