Forget marriage – this is what modern commitment-phobes are really afraid of in relationships
Share:
These days, the concept of making a relationship even vaguely official with labels like ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ can send prospective partners running for the hills. Helen Coffey investigates whether it’s part of a wider trend that sees grown-ups get perpetually stranded in kidulthood.
![[Fewer and fewer of us are committing to traditional relationship milestones such as marriage]](https://static.independent.co.uk/2025/01/15/15/newFile-8.jpg)
The second friend, let’s call her Mel, is a decade ahead in her mid-thirties. She started dating a man 10 years her senior and things quickly became serious, with multiple dates per week, romantic nights away, and plans to meet each other’s families. They were a couple in all but name. But when she asked whether she could call him her boyfriend, he “squirmed”. Things were moving “too fast”, he said – he wasn’t sure he could commit to taking things to the “next level”.
![[Dating apps have added to the idea that someone ‘better’ might come along]](https://static.independent.co.uk/2025/01/15/15/iStock-1174418079.jpg)
It seems to be part of a wider trend in which any label even vaguely suggestive of commitment raises people’s hackles. A decade ago, deciding to live together, get married or have kids were the serious emotional investment markers. Making things “official” was, conversely, no big deal – a casual step up from just “dating” or “seeing each other” that might be flung out from a few weeks in once it became clear that things were going reasonably well and neither party was an obvious psychopath. Now, asking to call someone your boyfriend feels tantamount to proposing.
“These titles of boyfriend and girlfriend – or even going out ‘officially’ – aren’t easily casual these days in the way they used to be,” agrees Marian O’Connor, a couples psychotherapist at Tavistock Relationships. “People often have the exclusivity conversation, telling people ‘I’m coming off the apps’ as if it’s a declaration of love!”.
