For many of us, the idea of our friends having partners we don’t click with is hellish. These are the people we’re going to have to go out for dinner with! Take on group holidays! Ellie Harrison talks to those who’ve experienced it, and asks how best to get over the problem. Gone are the days of taking a new boyfriend home to your mum and dad and discreetly leaving the room so that the trembling, lovesick young man on the sofa can be grilled about his intentions. These days, the ones to impress are your friends.

When a new partner is introduced into my friendship group, they become the main topic of conversation among the rest of us. Did they hold their own at the pub? Are they compatible with our best pal? Are they, well, good enough? For many of us, it’s our friends who set the highest standards for us, our friends who know us best – and who could end up spending many a holiday and night out with us and our new partner for decades to come. But what happens when our friends and a new love interest just don’t click?.

Keira, 34, knows this feeling all too well. “One of my good friends has been with her partner for years, and he has never made any effort at all with us as a group,” she says. “Whenever he’s around, he literally sits with headphones in to avoid being part of the conversation, and he often uses the excuse of watching sport on his phone.”. While Keira and her friends were at first sympathetic, and assumed he was shy, “the lack of effort really rankled after a while, and it just started to seem more like rudeness than anything”. Keira’s friend has since married this man, but he’s continued to “blank” his wife’s mates. “It’s all very strange,” she says, “and it’s got to the point where he now has this weird feud against two of my friends, who’ve known her for 20 years, and it’s like an odd shadow over the friendship.”.

Keira’s story is probably one of the worst-case scenarios – as we’re not discussing abusive or coercive partners here – but even when the new partner is genuinely making an effort, they’ve got a difficult task ahead of them. “The expectations are high,” says Jess, 32. “I probably have even higher standards for my friends’ partners than my friends do themselves – because I can see that it takes someone quite special to actually match how amazing they are.”.

It’s even more tricky, she’s found, for a partner to come into a longstanding, tight-knit friendship group. “There are so many in-jokes, so many quick, one-word references to something that happened six years ago that will make the whole group laugh, and lots of nuances and taking the piss.” Plus, there’s a fair bit of juggling to do. “Ideally, the new partner will be confident and chatty, but not arrogant. You want them to be warm and relaxed and put your friend and you at ease. You want them to be asking questions but willing to listen. It’s a hard balance to strike.”.

There can be long-term impacts when a group of friends and a new partner just aren’t feeling the spark. Scan Reddit and there are countless posts from desperate people asking “What do I do?” as they try to deal with a friend’s partner who they just can’t get on board with. Among the infractions? That they’re too snobby, they have different politics, they are shallow, or, in one case, they won’t stop bragging about “making their therapist cry”.

“It’s just sad,” says Jess, “because as a friend you inevitably stop asking the partner along to things and tend to see your pal individually instead, and as a result you lose touch with that whole part of their life.” She has also noticed some friends starting to change around their partner as they can feel the tension in the room. “It’s not nice when a friend looks on edge, or they’re making excuses for their partner and trying to manage the conversation.”.

I’ve certainly had relationships where I’ve felt embarrassed by something a partner has said, leading me to try to edit them, or been frustrated after they’ve shown little interest in bonding with my mates. The feeling of knowing your friends don’t like your partner is an uncomfortable and lonely one. She’s quite wary of what she says about her husband in front of us, because she knows that there’s this weird vibe.

“Some people feel they have to teach their new partner how to behave,” says Rose, “but I suggest they don’t, and just try to let them be themselves, because otherwise the partner might feel criticised and questioned and judged. You’re with somebody because you respect them and trust they are enough as they are, and if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.” She says it’s better to let things play out naturally – and act on the consequences rather than trying to meddle along the way. “You’ve got to just trust the process.”.