I’ve lost contact with my mother and feel I’m the family pariah
I’ve lost contact with my mother and feel I’m the family pariah
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Is there room for a more exploratory – rather than confrontational – dialogue?. The question I grew up as the scapegoat in a toxic family where my mother played her children off against each other. I went no-contact with her a few years ago and keep my interactions with my siblings to a minimum.
![[Philippa Perry]](https://i.guim.co.uk/img/uploads/2017/10/09/Philippa-Perry,-L.png?width=75&dpr=1&s=none&crop=none)
I am now the divorced mother of four young adults, all living away from home. I have a male relative who, with his partner, has become close to two of my children. Initially I welcomed this, but it has increasingly come at some cost to me. The relative has been expressing astonishment that a person who is such a mess (me, apparently) could have brought up such wonderful children. By doing that, they are trying to cause a rift between myself and the children. They have also become very friendly with my ex-husband, despite the latter never being interested in cultivating any sort of relationship with them until I ended the marriage.
I called out my relative’s behaviour and his response was to tell me how hurt his feelings were, how angry it made him and how much he has defended me over the years. Now he has sought to turn my kids against me by telling them I have twisted the facts. The ripples from going no-contact with my mother seem to reach out into the wider family. Is it inevitable that to safeguard myself I am doomed always to occupy the pariah position?.
Philippa’s answer The experiences you describe, growing up feeling scapegoated, enduring a chaotic relational atmosphere, then taking steps to protect yourself, show you to be someone invested in creating a safer, healthier environment for herself. There is, however, an important question embedded in your letter that you may not have consciously voiced: what might it mean if, in some way, you are contributing to the patterns you wish to escape?.
