My best friend of 40 years has a skewed impression of me. How do I set her straight?
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Big ‘about us’ conversations can be tricky between friends, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Try small, good-humoured stop signals instead. My best friend of almost 40 years has always had a slightly skewed impression of who I am. She tends to express concern over decisions I make, and seems to believe that I am naive, gullible and lonely. I am, however, none of these and have had a successful career, live a highly independent life and have a number of good friends with whom I spend time.
In the past I simply brushed off this minor issue, as it seemed important to her to view me this way, and I have no lack of self-esteem. However, lately this has verged on untenable, with her ordering me to “eat everything on my plate” at a restaurant, assuring me that I’ve made multiple mistakes in handling my finances, and lecturing me on fourth grade maths, loudly and in public, when I calculated a discount on a cute pair of shoes.
We both believe that one of the secrets to our four-decade friendship is that we don’t over-analyse it or speak about it. I need to address this with her but am concerned that it may cause harm to our relationship. If I could only ferret out why she is acting this way, and whether or not my personal perception of the situation is somehow askew, or determine how my own actions may play into her attitude, I feel I could overcome the situation.
Eleanor says: Isn’t it funny, the versions of us that live in other people’s heads? Sometimes they’re lovely versions we want to live up to. Sometimes they’re distant perceptions it’s fun to play into. And sometimes they’re horrible scarecrows patchworked together from projection and hyperbole. If you could get them all in a room together, I wonder if they’d even want to speak to each other.
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