Questions to ask yourself … for a more meaningful life
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Psychotherapist, psychoanalyst and author Susie Orbach on how to make a life full of substance and sustenance. We constantly absorb the idea that we need to be happier, but do we? The word “why” allows us to shift our perspective and think more broadly about why a “happier life” is the imagined goal, rather than a life that has more complexity, meaning and authenticity. In our consumer culture, it’s as though happiness is something we can buy, rather than contentment and interest, which we experience. This focus on happiness can negate what’s going on, how we feel, how many varied things we might be experiencing. That doesn’t make for a very sustainable or interesting life.
Shift the lens from what you’re striving for to what you’re drawn to, what you want to put your energy into. Perhaps you’ve been stuck at home with the kids and haven’t seen your friends, so there’s a longing to start seeing them again. Longing can have a bite to it, because it can be painful to long for something and not be able to reach it, but longing also cues us into what we want; we might not always be able to get there but we may find a route to our deeper needs.
Nobody can go through life without regret, but developing an empathic relationship to it allows us to mourn and reflect on how we were and what we were capable of under the circumstances – for example, if you stayed in a relationship for too long, you may understand that you felt too insecure to leave it, or that you needed to look after that person. Those are sympathetic ways of being reflective on your experience, and the capacity to reflect allows you to catch yourself enacting the same patterns.
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