Questions to ask yourself … to fix your love life
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Dr Orna Guralnik, clinical psychologist and Couples Therapy star, on the prompts that could help your relationship. This is about asking people to move out of the automatic ways they think about their relationships. In the background, they’ve probably heard many times from their partner what they need, and have found all sorts of ways to ignore that information because it’s hard for them. One person might be asking for more warmth – to hug once in a while, say – and for all sorts of reasons the other person might be withholding that, or they’re not wired that way. But it’s not such a hard give. It can also be something as concrete as, “Remember I don’t eat ham when you’re cooking.” Could you push yourself to be more generous and go beyond your own limits?.
If your partner likes to go to art galleries and you’re not interested, what would happen to you if you went? It’s just another way of making concrete the idea that you can extend your own horizons if you listen better to your partner. Knowing the conditions where you can get in touch with a feeling of generosity is a good feeling to have in your muscle memory, because couples generally find the most satisfying, moving moments between them when they’re both in a state of benevolence. Those moments are the honey of a relationship, so if you can create more of the circumstances when you feel that way, you’ll have more of the honey.
This is the exact opposite state – when you feel threatened or depleted. It’s good to know it’s a state, so not for ever, and an area of vulnerability and risk. This isn’t an annoyance – the sound of a fork on a plate – but the emotional conditions that make people feel at risk, so they tighten up. It depends on a person’s history and what they’re bringing into a relationship, but it could be if they feel unseen or controlled, or something reminds them of a past trauma. I see a couple where one is very possessive and sensitive. If they go to a party together, or hang out with certain people, that provokes jealousy. Each couple works out a different mechanism for dealing with that information, but awareness is useful.
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