9 things you’re doing wrong in dating – you will be guilty of one

As Valentine’s Day looms, Olivia Petter speaks to author and podcaster Elizabeth Day and ‘Married at First Sight’ dating expert Mel Schilling about the common mistakes we’re all making in our pursuit of love. There has never been a better time to teach people how to date. Just ask anyone who’s single how things are going and listen to the diatribe that follows. It’s not just that people are feeling fatigued by dating apps. Or that they’ve already exhausted all their mutual friends. It’s not even that there’s so much negativity around the dating experience and all it encompasses that it can feel impossible to find even the tiniest glimmer of hope. It’s none of that. Promise.

It’s actually just that looking for love is tough. And sure, certain things might make it feel harder than ever before: apps, social media, the cost of living crisis, the inexplicable proliferation of emotionally unavailable heterosexual men… to name but a few. But the core tenets of what makes dating difficult are the same: emotional investment, fear of heartbreak, and the risk of opening yourself up to someone new. No matter how secure we may be in our professional lives, or with our friends and family, dating has a way of bringing our innermost insecurities and vulnerabilities to the fore. And if you haven’t dealt with them yet, well, you’ll be in for one hell of a ride.

Thank goodness, then, for podcaster and author Elizabeth Day and dating coach Mel Schilling (of Married at First Sight fame), whose new podcast, How to Date, dives into the nuances of navigating the dating scene today, offering helpful tips and wisdom into everything from mastering the apps to meeting people in real life. We spoke to both Day and Schilling to understand all the ways we might be going wrong in dating in 2025. Read their tips, take note, and date wisely this Valentine’s Day.

“As a writer, it is an occupational hazard where I would take the slenderest filament of fact from having matched with someone on an app, and I would invent the most romantic narrative, a story that would end with walking down the aisle to string quartets and rose petal confetti scattered by his adorable goddaughter,” says Day. “I would do all of that in my own head before actually meeting someone in real life and I had to learn how to cope with that – and the best way for me to do it was to not allow myself to Google deep dive anyone.”.

“Self-compassion goes a long way,” says Schilling. “Remind yourself that dating is a complex experience with necessary ups and downs. Going through the rejection and disappointment is part of it, and learning to bounce back is a vital part of building your dating resilience.” Part of this is also about not allowing yourself to spiral into a pit of negativity following one bad dating experience. “Every dating disaster will tell you something important about what you do or don’t want in your next partner,” adds Schilling. “Make sure the stories you are telling yourself about dating, relationships and partners are, if not positive, at least neutral. If they are negative or unhelpful, reframe them.”.

“I was going for a certain kind of type, like a kind of media arty type, who often just wouldn’t have their s*** together,” says Day, who got married in 2021. “Now, I realise I’m with someone who is really creative and interested in the arts, and he has his shit together – but I had to change the parameters of what I was looking for before I was ready to meet him.” The key is to be open-minded and leave judgement at the door. “I had an idea of who I wanted and if someone didn’t live up to that idea, I thought they weren’t for me,” Day adds. “The longer I dated, the more all of that went out of the window because there’s nothing as humbling as online dating as a woman not in her twenties, and possibly in her twenties too.”.

“Do you want short-term fun? Long distance? Or a serious partnership?” asks Mel. Work out what it is you’re looking for before you dive in – and ensure your behaviour is matching that goal. “Some people find themselves in constant situationships when they deeply want a long-term relationship, but their behaviour is geared toward a short-term fling,” she adds. ”For instance, showing up on ‘hook-up’ apps, keeping communication superficial, going to bars known for one-night stands. It’s a bit like wanting to run a marathon, but choosing to jump hurdles as part of your training regime.”.

“Mel and I talk a lot on the podcast about the importance of dating yourself and the importance of getting to know yourself first,” says Day. “I definitely think that’s where I went wrong, and I think the reason it affects single women in particular is because so many of us have been raised in a culture that expects us to be kind and pleasant and pliable and thoughtful and quote, unquote, feminine – and we still have so far to go in order to unpack those sort of socially conditioned values.” This is particularly true among those of us who have a tendency to people-please. “It’s a terrible mindset to go into dating with because it means that you’re constantly shape-shifting according to your projection of what you think the other person wants from you.”.