I see my wife once a year. Can I question her on her love life?

Faithlessness doesn’t only have to take the form of infidelity. It can be the slow erosion of trust and care. The question My wife and I live in different countries and see each other once a year. The last time we saw each other we argued all the time and slept in separate beds. I’ll be going to see her soon and I’m worried she’s seeing someone else, although I have no proof. She will expect sex from me, and I think I should protect myself by wearing a condom. How should I broach the condom suggestion without upsetting her, especially if she is actually being totally faithful?.

Philippa’s answer It seems that your marriage is not in great shape. Rather than worrying about condoms, I think you need to think and talk about your relationship together. It sounds like you’ll need time to adjust and get to know each other again, and gradually find a place that feels natural and comfortable for both of you.

Perhaps what’s needed here is not so much prophylactic protection but protection for the bond that seems to have grown weaker. You’re considering a barrier in the form of a condom because you suspect she may have been unfaithful, but it may be worth reflecting on whether this impulse to shield yourself comes from a deeper place, one that’s not entirely about her actions. Are you perhaps projecting on to her your own feelings of disconnection, or even your own faithlessness toward the marriage?.

Faithlessness doesn’t only have to take the form of infidelity. It can be the slow erosion of trust and care, allowing fear and resentment to take up space that once might have been filled by affection and honesty. So, rather than placing a barrier between you, think about how you might approach this reunion with openness and a willingness to uncover what’s real between you now, however uncomfortable that might feel. Rather than treating your marriage as something to be shielded against, perhaps it could be something to nurture and understand, even if that means confronting hard truths within yourself.

If a good marriage is what you’re both after, then honesty and authenticity will be needed. Real intimacy doesn’t happen without vulnerability, and both of you will need to be prepared to share truths that may not be easy to express. That means asking and answering questions that go beyond surface matters, letting each of you see the other in your truest forms. Here are a few questions to consider asking each other, with the commitment to answer honestly, and hear the answers without being defensive.

How can we both make each other feel safe enough to speak openly, without fear of judgement or resentment? How might we each feel more connected in our separate lives, and what can we do to make those connections real? What brings each of us joy when we think about our future together? If there’s one way in which I hurt or disappoint you, what would it be? What’s your biggest fear about our relationship, and what do you think we can do to face it together? What makes you feel close to me, and what makes you feel distant? What is something you want but don’t feel able to ask for in our marriage? How can we help each other feel free and supported within this relationship, honouring both our individuality and our union?.

The purpose of such questions isn’t to accuse or defend, but to understand each other. If you’re going to move forward, you’ll need to be willing to listen without jumping to conclusions, acting defensively or withdrawing into silence. This is about rebuilding connection by creating space for truth, even if that truth reveals painful areas that need work.

If you’re truly seeking a good marriage, one built on trust, compassion and shared values, you may find that the hardest work isn’t in trying to confirm or deny suspicions, but in letting go of assumptions altogether. That means committing to understanding each other’s inner worlds, entering each other’s experience. Intimacy, in this light, is less about proximity and more about presence, about seeing each other’s vulnerabilities and accepting not judging.

When you engage in the kind of dialogue that brings you closer, that lets each of you feel understood and safe, you may find that this question of “protection” shifts. It’s no longer about guarding yourself from one another but about being open to each other. If both of you can lean into this vulnerability, you might find that protection comes not from barriers or precautions, but from a deeper, more resilient trust.

So re-establish a bond in which you both feel secure, simply by being fully present and honest, by exploring your hopes, your needs and your fears together. In that openness, the question of whether you need protection may become not just unnecessary, but beside the point. Rekindling a marriage takes time, these conversations will need to be revisited, but in committing to feeling really connected you may find yourself discovering a trust that can withstand distance and change.