I was a pregnant cocaine addict – I blew £150k and snorted it while my baby slept

Chopping up a line of cocaine with my bank card, I inhaled it and smiled with relief as I felt the drug surge through my body, all my stress and anxiety fading away. I wasn’t at a party or in a nightclub though. I was in my bedroom at home in Essex, with my baby fast asleep in his cot in the room next to me. In the grips of addiction, it had become normal for me to mix motherhood with cocaine, in fact I couldn’t imagine functioning without it.

A single, working mum in my late 30s , the drug had become my crutch. Now, five years on, I look back and am staggered at how lost I was at that time. I started dabbling in drugs as a teenager. I was rebellious and never one of the pretty, popular girls at school, but drugs made me feel good, albeit temporarily. I started with weed, then speed and by 21, I’d moved onto ecstasy which became my drug of choice through my twenties.

I’d party for three nights on no sleep, before rolling into my job as a temp, exhausted and on a crushing come down. In 2008 I got a job in a bar which was popular with cocaine users and dealers. I’d used the drug the odd time before then, but with it all around me, very quickly, I wanted it more and more. I loved how confident and happy it made me feel, and soon found myself using it every day. Even after enrolling at university in London as a mature student, to study for a tourism management degree, I was still sniffing coke daily, and blew my entire student loan in three weeks on the drug.

Not for a moment did I believe I was an addict though. I wasn’t some down and out on a park bench. After graduating, I  was now working in an admin job, I had a nice flat and lots of good friends, although by now they were mostly all coke users and dealers. I was oblivious to how the drugs had started to take their toll on my appearance - I was pale with huge bags under my eyes, and my moods were erratic.

I’d also started to neglect responsibilities and relationships with loved ones, calling in sick to work, and even missing my mum’s 60th birthday because I’d been up all night taking coke at a house party and was too wired to go home. Despite all this, I naively continued to believe I was in control of the drug. Of course, it was the other way around. I spent all my disposable income on it - my wage came in and went straight out to my dealer.

At five weeks pregnant, I binged on cocaine for several days. Just saying those words now fills me with deep shame. Over a 15 year period, I spent £150,000 on cocaine. Life revolved around partying and sniffing, getting through the week at work before I could get back on it again. In early 2018, I discovered I was pregnant. I remember looking at the test and feeling shocked and terrified. This baby wasn’t planned, it was the result of a coke-fuelled one night stand, and even though I was 36, I didn’t feel ready to be a mum. My immediate reaction was to have a termination.

By then, the only way I knew how to cope with any sort of difficult emotion was to numb it with cocaine. So that’s what I did. When I sobered up though, I realised, I couldn’t abort this baby. Deep down, I wasn’t the sort of person who could choose a drug over a life. My pregnancy gave me the motivation and willpower to go cold turkey, and with support from my family I felt so excited about the future.

Cocaine was my past, motherhood was my future, I believed. The first three months of my son Marshall’s* life were perfect. I adored him from the moment he was placed in my arms, and felt so relieved I hadn’t thrown away this opportunity to be his mum. Sadly, cocaine would manage to worm its way back into my life and turn it upside down again. When Marshall was three months old, a friend I was visiting offered me a line and I said yes, a decision I’d come to bitterly regret.

I’ve asked myself so many times why I didn’t say no, and leave. But foolishly, after a year being clean, I believed I could treat it as a one off, a little treat for myself. For a few months, that’s what happened,. I didn’t want my son to remember me as lethargic and snappy, or grow up thinking his mum was a waste of space druggie. A line here and there, I naively believed I could just dip in and out when I wanted and not go back to my old ways.

I was so wrong. It wasn’t long before my use began to increase. When the pandemic struck in 2020, I found myself isolating alone with a toddler whilst also launching my coaching business. It was a gruelling, lonely and exhausting time. I felt suffocated and overwhelmed and craved a release. I know other stressed mums were having a few glasses of wine in the evening, or even jumping on a Peloton to burn off some steam, but it was cocaine I turned to.