I wish my elderly husband would die

AT 53, Jane has recently discovered a new lust for life and sex - but just not with her 81-year-old husband. Here, in a brutally honest account, she explains why she feels she can't leave him and how she wishes he’d die so she would be free to pursue the passion she craves…. Glancing over at my 81-year-old husband John fast asleep on the sofa, TV remote still in hand, I sigh quietly and roll my eyes before settling down for a night of sexting my four younger lovers.

Image Credit: The Sun [A man and woman embracing in bed.]

It's John's fault, he drove me to this, as he was the one who insisted we watch a dull history documentary together and promptly conked out snoring. So while he sleeps, I have no choice but to browse an extra marital affairs website. It’s something I’ve been doing since last January and so far I’ve messaged around 50 men. I've arranged meetings with 12 of them and I've had four fully-fledged lovers, all far younger than my husband.

Image Credit: The Sun [Senior man sleeping in armchair.]

I have no regrets, it's exactly what I've needed while trapped in a deeply unhappy 23-year marriage. One I met, who I nicknamed ‘The Toyboy’, was 46 - seven years younger than me. If I’m completely honest my marriage was on the rocks for over a decade before I had my first affair, and - I'm ashamed to admit it - there have even been moments I wished my husband had died. At least then I'd be free to find happiness with someone who cares about me and gives me the affection I crave, rather then having to sneak around.

Image Credit: The Sun [A couple embracing in a doorway.]

Two years ago John had an attack of angina, initially thought to be a heart attack. I couldn’t stop the thought popping into my head that maybe this was the release from my unhappy marriage. I feel like a psychopath even confessing to that awful thought but I am so trapped and lonely in my marriage with a man who’s nearly 30 years older than I am. And I love the feeling of potential when I meet a new man – hoping we’ll have the sexual chemistry and emotional connection that I crave, and have been deprived of for so long with my husband.

Image Credit: The Sun [Man smiling in bed.]

The truth is, my lovers are everything my husband isn’t - toned, energetic and full of desire - for me. They appreciate me and want to talk to me. Stolen moments making love in hotel rooms make me feel life is worth living. I do hate sneaking around and lying and people will question why I don’t just divorce. But I can’t – John is over 80, I can’t desert him now. He wouldn’t find anyone else, he barely goes out any more, and certainly not without me.

I feel more like his carer, and I know that it will only get worse as he ages. All he wants is a companion and someone to see him through the end of his days - for us, it is until death do us part. I wish I hadn’t been paralysed with indecision and fear when our marriage started going wrong about 12 years ago. Initially John, a former lawyer, swept me off my feet when we first met at a party over two decades ago.

He would take me to good restaurants and make me feel like I was the only woman in the room. I was 32, and he was nearly 60 but he was so full of life. He was incredibly good looking, quick witted, and fun. We both loved travelling and going to the gym. We dated for two years, and married in an intimate registry office ceremony in 2002 followed with a party for 100 guests. However, no one spelt out the obvious - that in 20 or so years time I’d be looking after him.

Even if they had, I would have ignored them - I was completely besotted. Then the girls came along in 2006 and 2008 and we couldn’t spend as much time together. The distance grew, and we stopped communicating. Then ten years ago we stopped having sex too. While I was completely swept up with them and their lives, John became more distant. Without nights out and luxurious holidays to locations like the Maldives I had to accept the reality – that we would never have much in common.

We had been going through the motions for five years before that, and although we still share the same bed we are like two strangers, not even sharing so much as a hug. I tried to talk to him about it but he had no interest, and suggestions of counselling were dismissed. Had I left him back then in 2013 I know he’d have survived without me. But I worried at the time about how I’d cope with two small children who were only six and four.

Now they’re 18 and 16 and on the cusp of leaving home and all I can see in the future is rattling round our house near Rugby, Warwickshire, with just me and John. It fills me with panic. When my panic first set in I didn’t look elsewhere - instead I poured my heart out to my girlfriends. For years the lack of sex didn’t bother me – my libido had shrivelled away like John's. That was until 18 months ago when I started taking HRT for menopausal symptoms and it woke up with a vengeance.