Is your partner desperate to spice things up in the...

What with Valentine’s Day tomorrow, there’s really no excuse not to make an effort this week. From dinners a deux to thoughtful gifts and loving gestures (a cup of tea doesn’t make itself) it’s easy to show your loved one you care. However, what happens once you’re in bed and the realisation dawns that you have increasingly mismatched expectations when it comes to making love. Does your partner want to spice up the between-the-sheets action while you’re perfectly happy with your ‘vanilla’ moves? Or is it vice versa?.

Image Credit: Mail Online [Top celebrity therapist Marisa Peer has advice for those who want to spice up their love lives]

If so, read on for top celebrity therapist Marisa Peer’s 11 crucial tips on how to navigate this tricky issue for a happier (and consensual) balance... Of course, you have every right to say no to your husband’s new sexual requests but rather than blaming a headache and avoiding the issue, you could ask what’s going on in your marriage to make him feel that your ‘normal’ sex is not enough.

It’s important to try to understand why your partner needs more than maybe you’re willing to offer him. Ask him, what is it about the relationship that is lacking?. It’s important to understand why your partner needs more than maybe you’re willing to offer. Often one person conceals their kinks believing they’ll eventually talk their partner into it. In my experience, most people who like to spice things up in bed have always been like that, but they have put a lid on it because they are concerned and worried about their partner’s reaction.

And remember, there’s a broad range of kinkiness, for instance, for some it could simply mean dressing up in high heel PVC boots, watching porn and talking dirty. While others may enjoy taking it further, such as participating in partner-swapping parties or liking bondage or wearing rubber lingerie - there are so many variations, some harmless (such a dressing up and role playing) and some potentially more risky.

If your husband suddenly has ‘interesting’ new ideas about how to liven up your sex life, question where these ideas are coming from. Women often tell me their husband suddenly became more adventurous in bed, before the proverbial penny drops – their sex life became more adventurous right before the wife discovered her partner’s cheating on her. You may have been married 25 years, and you love each other deeply but every Saturday you have the same sex in the same positions. It’s very normal to wonder, is this it, because you want more.

The drama, mystery and excitement of imagining being caught having sex in public or role playing can become addictive once you’re involved. Sex thrives off eroticism and suspense but it’s easy to get hooked on the edgier stuff. Sadly, it’s why some marriages can’t take the strain, as some individuals find they can never go back to just having ‘normal’ vanilla sex with just one partner. I believe there is a chance your partner will cheat on you and will always be looking for next high.

Having everything (the huge salary, the big house, the expensive car, the glamorous social life) makes some people crave even more, such as more adventurous and kinkier sex in order to achieve new excitement levels. It’s fine if both of you want to spice things up but a mistake to go along with anything you don’t like or enjoy just to keep him happy. If you are and want more, do not say ‘I’m really bored with our sex life’. Use visual references to start a conversation with your partner.

Why not watch the sexually charged Babygirl together, the latest Nicole Kidman film, or Disney’s bonkbuster Rivals and be specific about what you want to try. It’s easier to gauge someone’s reaction that way. Ask your partner, ‘if you could do anything, what would really turn you on?’ Once you’ve tested the waters asking about his fantasies, it’s much easier to introduce yours. Then, talking openly and honestly together, find something together that will turn you both on.

Top celebrity therapist Marisa Peer has advice for those who want to spice up their love lives. If you’re being asked to dress up, say as a police officer and pretend to ‘arrest’ your husband, then think of it as a game you’re playing together – even if it’s not something you’d suggest. If it’s fun and risk-free then why not? Keep an open mind and be curious – at least try it once. If he wants to film you or take photos of you, or invite a third person then to me that feels like a huge and absolute no. Always ask, is this safe for me?.

I have a very famous client in LA who asks sexual partners to undress at his gate and hand over their phones before they can enter his house as he is terrified of people filming him. If you’re declining your partner, avoid saying ‘you’re a pervert or that’s so weird.’ Don’t create shame, just say, ‘that doesn’t work for me, I’m not comfortable’. Do not let them persuade you otherwise.