My partner and I argue constantly – and she puts all the blame on me | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

It’s very rare that one individual is wholly responsible for the difficulties in a relationship. Perhaps you should go to counselling alone, where you can be heard. Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader. I am 60 and I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my partner for more than 20 years. We have been extremely unhappy for a number of years.

Our relationship has frequent conflicts over small things. When we disagree on something, I am blamed for my stubbornness or lack of empathy. Innocuous exchanges can turn into confrontations that end frequently with my partner blaming my behaviour. I have been described as moody, insensitive, immature and condescending.

I have been told on a number of occasions that I drag us down. I tried to discuss the issues with her, writing emails explaining my feelings, but I have rarely received a reply. I proposed couple counselling. We attended four or five sessions and when I thought we were moving in the right direction, my partner asked to stop. When I asked why she didn’t want to continue, she said that I was looking for a third person to validate my points.

Confrontations can go on for hours. My partner never steps back, even when I tell her she is hurting me. I decided some time ago to try to defuse the conflict by leaving the room when I saw where the discussion was heading. I have been told that by leaving the room I was running away.

I know I have my shortcomings. I have explained that if she has reached the conclusion that I’m not the right person for her, we can end the relationship. She has never agreed to move in that direction. I feel stuck in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil either partner. Any advice on how to move forward would be really appreciated.

There was a real sense of resignation in your letter, but also some hope because you know you want things to be different. And they can be. Whether with your partner or on your own remains to be seen. I have to say there were also elements of potential emotional abuse, which I’d like you to be aware of.

I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Jacquie Keelan. She said: “You saying you have ‘frequent conflicts out of small things’ suggests it’s not the small things in your relationship that are the real problem, but the themes that underlie them. These can actually be about power imbalance, or lack of respect or care.”.

These “small things” clearly have roots elsewhere and it might be worth digging deep to work out what they are; counselling is the ideal way to do this. But you cannot force your partner into it, so why not consider going alone where your voice can be heard – and validated? It’s a real shame she won’t consider it because, as Keelan says, couples counselling is not about one partner being right and the other wrong, but “‘translating’ one person to the other in turn; that is, helping each person to hear what’s really being said, not what they expect to hear or think they already know.”.

“The issue of blame,” Keelan continued, “comes across very clearly in your letter – how hurtful it is and how it closes down communication. But in reality it’s very rare that one individual is wholly responsible for the difficulties in a relationship.” It is important to try to resolve difficulties, she said. “And if we’re focused on winning or being in the right, we’re missing the opportunity to challenge old unhelpful ways of relating and resolving conflict. Always winning or being right is a short-term victory that comes at a price in the longer term.”.

When one partner locates all the blame (as seems to be happening here) and won’t try to resolve anything, and won’t even reply to emails (rude and very blocking), then the couple is, as you so aptly say, stuck. Maybe your partner was never allowed to be in the wrong growing up, or was severely punished, or there’s shame involved in admitting any fault. Or maybe she is afraid of looking at the reality of what your relationship has become.

This is why I think individual therapy, at least as a start, would really help, because it may focus you. Unfortunately, if your partner won’t engage, you will need to think about your future. Sixty is young, and there are still many years left ahead for (both of) you, so it’s a long time to be unhappy. I’m also mindful that you have children who need to be considered. This can’t be easy for them either. Children, even adult ones, learn by the example set by their parents. That may give you something to consider. Good luck.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.