How do we tell our young daughter that she has a half-brother? | Ask Annalisa
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You are right to bring this out into the open. Learning of a secret sibling is big news, so agree with your ex-partner on exactly what to share. Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader. My daughter is eight years old. She’s sensible, fun, kind and compassionate. Her father and I have been divorced since she was two and we co-parent fairly amicably.
![[Annalisa Barbieri]](https://i.guim.co.uk/img/uploads/2018/01/29/Annalisa_Barbieri,_R.png?width=75&dpr=1&s=none&crop=none)
Shortly after we broke up he had a fling which resulted in a child. He has no relationship with his son but pays child maintenance. He upset the boy’s mother by asking for a paternity test so they haven’t had any contact for six years. My ex-husband and I agreed that my daughter should know about her brother, but she needed to be older. As a toddler, she was desperate for a sibling and would, we felt, have struggled with the idea of having a half-brother she wasn’t allowed to see.
In my head, we were going to tell her when she was around eight – while she still trusts everything we say but would be more likely to understand that she can’t meet him. I don’t want her to find out from someone else, which becomes more likely the older she gets as we live in the same town. I’ve never actually lied to her – Father Christmas, religion, politics, family stuff – I’ve always used a mixture of age-appropriate honesty and reflecting back at her.
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