I’m a sex therapist. Here’s how I dealt with chronic pelvic pain
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Painful sex can be isolating and distressing. It can also be an opportunity to accept yourself and find new dimensions of connection. When I was 21, I decided I wanted to be a sex therapist. Weeks later, I suddenly stopped being able to have sex. I was happy in a new relationship, but penetrative sex became painful without warning. When it first happened, I hoped it was just an off day. Then it happened again. And again.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t alone in this experience. More than a quarter of women worldwide cope with chronic pelvic pain – and that’s just the reported numbers. As time went on, the pain got worse. I felt like a failure as a woman and a disappointment to my then boyfriend, even though he was caring and patient. Who would want to be with me? How would I ever have kids?.
I furiously researched potential cures and booked medical appointments searching for answers. After ruling out other possible causes, my gynecologist diagnosed me with vulvodynia, or chronic vulvar pain, and referred me to a psychiatrist. But when I explained my predicament, her response was: “Have you ever tried having a glass of wine and thinking about the ocean to relax?”.
I was clearly on my own. I grew increasingly disconnected from my body, sexuality and partner. On the outside, I was supposedly on my way to a career in sex therapy. Internally, I shut down when I thought about sex. All of it was devastatingly unsexy. Ultimately, I got relief thanks to pelvic floor physical therapy and finding the right medicine for me, after many failed attempts. But medical cures didn’t fix the emotional and relationship wounds.
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