I always thought my first time would be painful, but when the second, third, and fourth were still as painful, I realised that sex for me was going to be distressing, not enjoyable.
But still, I just wanted to be a normal teenager, who had a ‘normal’ sex life with my boyfriend, despite my first experience.
Nobody, not even the nurses after seeing me in that much pain during cervical cancer screenings, told me that I was allowed to ask for a longer appointment, without any rushing, or to ask for a smaller speculum to help reduce that pain.
I have always experienced anxiety or dread at the prospect of sex, if it gets to that point of feeling like I can’t make another excuse to a partner.
I just wanted to get sex over with as quickly as possible, and then run to the toilet to curl up in a ball, waiting for the pain to pass.
