I went to UKCP psychotherapist Lisa Bruton whose first thought echoed mine: “Zooming out a bit and trying to get a gauge of the broader family context, I wonder whether your sister was the ‘parentified’ child within your family – that is, placed in a parental role and took on the emotional responsibility for her two younger siblings.
Bruton thought maybe “toxic patterns of behaviour have become normalised for her and her partner, and she can’t see how tense and unpleasant the atmosphere around her has become.” Given you’ve also expressed concern, in your longer letter, about her partner, we thought it would be an idea to check in with him, too.
Bruton said it is important to think about how and where you contact her: “So often the tone and intention of something sensitive like this can be lost in a message, so it might be more useful to have this conversation face to face.” Or you could write her a letter, which will give her time to digest it.
Bruton said: “If your sister shuts down the conversation you might want to gently probe further and say something like, ‘I am concerned for you, can I tell you a little about why that is?’”.
Bruton went on to explain that parentified children “can often be excessively self-reliant and also resentful, especially if they become mothers.
