I happily flashed my midriff back then, but how do I wear low-slung jeans in my 50s?

SHIMMYING, wriggling and jumping up and down on the spot, I desperately try to squeeze myself into the ultimate Nineties throwback. Yep, low-slung hipster jeans — one of the most difficult trends of all time — are back in fashion. I embraced them the first time around but 30 years later can this unforgiving style, which designers Stella McCartney, Acne Studios and Balenciaga have pronounced as the ultimate in cool for spring 2025, transform me back into my 23-year-old self?.

Back in the Nineties, as a wet-behind-the-ears fashion graduate ready to take the style world by storm, I lived in a pair of jeans that barely covered my bum crack. Spray-on, bootcut and dark denim, they just about skimmed my pubic bone and, when I sat down, did not even attempt to conceal my bottom.

The late Alexander McQueen had kicked off the trend with his iconic ‘bumster’ design. These gravity-defying trousers were so-named because they gave the body a new type of cleavage: bum cleavage. When Kate Moss first wore them on his catwalk in 1996, I was instantly obsessed.

The question on everyone’s lips as we entered a new millennium was: “How low can you go?”. And I went very low. Those jeans raised more than a few eyebrows on the Obituaries desk as I sashayed into the office on my first week in a new job at a broadsheet newspaper.

Denim had a real moment during the Nineties. Calvin Klein’s raunchy jeans ads featuring Kate Moss and Mark Wahlberg proved sex could sell, and in the years that followed you couldn’t move for hot new denim brands. LA labels like Juicy Couture, 7 For All Mankind and True Religion hit UK shores, and my friends and I couldn’t get enough.

We had shopped vintage Levi’s from American vintage emporium Flip in the Eighties and now we wanted a slicker Hollywood look that suggested we were as sexy as the stars we saw wearing them. We were obsessed with Pamela Anderson, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez, and how much midriff they were showing off.

Some of my mates even cut the waistband off their jeans, like Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey, and while I understood that was a cheap and easy fix, I was always about getting the “the cut” right. I wanted to look like Keira Knightley at the Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl premiere.

The Brit actress blew up the red carpet, ditching a trad gown for a pair of the lowest-rise bootcut jeans I had ever seen. Teaming them with a white off-the-shoulder cropped top, Keira stood out against all the other red-carpet looks. Her abs needed an award of their own.

Standing in front of the mirror, I just saw a middle-aged mum who looked like she was trying on her daughter’s clothes. My brand of choice was Earl Jeans, straight from LA. They were a whopping £160 then, from Harvey Nichols, but I worked two jobs to be able to afford them and they were worth every penny.

I teamed them with micro-crop tops, Vivienne Westwood corsets and even oversized men’s jackets with just a bra underneath. The fly was just over an inch long, which would now not even cover my C-section scar. But one thing made them different to any other pair of jeans I had ever owned: they had stretch.

They clung to every curve of my body, felt sexy and empowering and, ultimately, cool AF. But how will I fare today, as a 53-year-old mum with a slight muffin top that even the gym won’t budge?. Pulling on these H&M Low Waisted Flare jeans was like going back in a time machine and discovering you wouldn’t do it all over again — even if you paid me.

Standing in front of the mirror, I just saw a middle-aged mum who looked like she was trying on her daughter’s clothes. All the proportions felt wrong for me now. They made my legs look shorter, my waist thicker and my bum flat. For the past 20 years I have worn only high-waisted jeans — and now I know why.

They look good on me, are comfy, make me feel put-together and keep out the draught when I am waiting for the night bus home. Trust me when I say, I saw what that looked like in the changing room mirror and wouldn’t wish that view on anyone. This time around, there is no way I am showing off my midriff. Trust me when I say, I saw what that looked like in the changing- room mirror and wouldn’t wish that view on anyone.

I teamed these Nineties throwbacks with a dress shirt and tweed jacket, which was the least offensive of the stuff I tried on with them, but I can firmly say I wouldn’t be seen dead in these low-rise jeans ever again. I’ll leave all that to my 21-year-old daughter, who I know would rock them, just like Gigi and Bella Hadid, or Kendall Jenner.