Postpartum psychosis had me thinking I’d died and gone to hell

Irritation, hallucinations and delusions. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been watching closely as Nicole Piper’s (Sammy Dobson) postpartum psychosis storyline has ramped up on Casualty. And as hard as it has been to watch, I’ve been pleased to see the portrayal of how quickly an initial lack of sleep can be a sign of something more sinister. Like Nicole, I too suffered from postpartum psychosis. I know all too well what it’s like to experience these feelings at your place of work.

Our stories are frighteningly similar. When we found out I was pregnant in September 2023, my husband Ross and I were thrilled. As a midwife, I felt prepared for pregnancy, but it was still surreal to be on the other side. Overall things went smoothly and I was hoping for a homebirth. Unfortunately my labour stalled so I was transferred into hospital to have a c-section. It was panic-inducing being on the other side, but the team were amazing and when my baby boy was placed in my arms I felt overcome with emotion.

The first few days after he was born were then spent riding the rollercoaster that is new parenthood. Within days, however, I went from not sleeping well to not sleeping at all as I felt I didn’t need it. When I did sleep, I had terrifying nightmares and would wake up screaming. Ross, concerned it could be a sign of the ‘baby blues’, focused all his energy on looking after me, so that I could best care for our baby.

Then my mood started to swing from one extreme to the next. I’d have extreme highs where I felt like I could take on anything – followed by extreme lows and lots of weeping. This concerned visiting midwives who recommended I see a mental health specialist. We did and I was prescribed sleeping pills to get some rest, but they didn’t touch the sides. Delusions and hallucinations quickly followed: I became paranoid Ross was filming me and sending footage to midwives. In the nursery, I would feel the walls closing in on me. And I was convinced every speck of dirt was a dead insect.

I was losing touch with reality, and on the sixth morning of our son’s life, I proclaimed to Ross and my mum that I’d unlocked a universal secret to motherhood – you need to act like a baby to know how to look after one. This came after I’d run to the bathroom to be sick but physically couldn’t. I felt like a baby who needed burping, so I began behaving like one. I laid on the floor then started crawling around.

At this point they were really worried, so they both suggested I go back to the hospital. As we climbed into an Uber to do so, I started rambling and became more and more frustrated that nobody seemed to be listening to me. By the time we arrived my thoughts were going at a hundred miles an hour. Juliette is running the Brighton 10k in April for Action on Postpartum Psychosis. To donate visit. I asked for a laptop and ended up writing a 5,000 word essay in the waiting area about what was happening to me.

Like Nicole, at first the team thought I just needed sleep and rest so I was given more sleeping pills. But my psychosis only worsened from there. At its peak, I ran into the rooms of women in labour and also to the operating theatre. I even laid on the table screaming, believing the staff were making me reenact my caesarean. My colleagues and friends all saw this happen and while I now know I couldn’t help it, the thought of that is so embarrassing.

At the same time I also believed that my baby had died, that my husband had died, and that I was dead and in hell. I was moved on to antipsychotic medication – which was a challenge because I was now suspicious of the staff and the drugs and didn’t want to take them – and after five days in hospital I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Only then was I formally diagnosed with postpartum psychosis.

I was sent to a mother and baby unit (MBU) – a specialist psychiatric unit for mothers with severe mental illness – and it took me about a week to understand where I was and what had happened. Luckily, the staff were amazing. They helped me to care for my baby and Ross visited every day which helped keep my mood up. Once I was finally taking the appropriate medicine, my psychosis resolved quite quickly and I was discharged home after a month.

I’d love to say that everything went back to normal from there, but it didn’t. After the excitement of going home had worn off, I fell into a deep depression as I realised, though I’d always been so excited for that newborn phase, I’d missed so much of it due to my psychosis. I felt guilty and heartbroken and, at my lowest, became suicidal. After being readmitted to another MBU, I was once again given incredible treatment and was released home after three weeks. Finally things were looking up for me and my family.