LISA HILTON: When I held my ex-husband's new baby in my arms at 48, I felt an ugly emotion... the sense of unfairness that I would NEVER have another child
LISA HILTON: When I held my ex-husband's new baby in my arms at 48, I felt an ugly emotion... the sense of unfairness that I would NEVER have another child
Share:
Snuggled against my body, the tiny baby’s cries slowed, then became a whimper and finally stopped altogether as she fell asleep cradled in my arms. Nothing compares with holding a newborn – that plump weight, the new bread smell, the little snuffles. And the joy of finally seeing them drift off into slumber.
![[When her doctor confirmed she was perimenopausal, Lisa found herself bursting into tears in the street]](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2025/01/27/11/94554777-14329357-image-a-15_1737976554657.jpg)
But this time, my eyes pricked with tears and I was overwhelmed with sadness. This wasn’t my baby. It was the younger of my ex-husband’s two children with his new wife. I had taken her, with her mother’s permission, when she began to fuss at a family lunch. I’d held their eldest child many times without any problems, so hadn’t expected the conflicting emotions that were triggered on this occasion.
![[Lisa with her daughter, whose birth was difficult after 13 hours of induced labour and an emergency caesarean]](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2025/01/27/11/61920179-14329357-I_became_conscious_of_how_trusting_these_apps_make_you_There_s_n-a-14_1737976528032.jpg)
I knew it wasn’t jealousy or regret. Yes, it recalled memories of when we held our own newborn – we share a daughter, who’s now 18 – the astonishment, delight and overwhelming responsibility we had shared. But I wasn’t longing to be back with him in that moment.
I am genuinely pleased for him that he found contentment four years after our split. His wife is a delightful, accomplished woman and I feel very lucky that my daughter has her for a stepmother. So why did holding their baby feel utterly heartbreaking?.
At 48, Lisa Hilton's body had entered perimenopause which came with erratic periods, a disturbed sleep cycle and hot flushes. It struck me that there was an uglier emotion at play. A lingering sense of unfairness. For as my ex was starting out on parenthood once more, I was coming to terms with the fact that I would never be the mother of a newborn again – that my childbearing days were over.
