A very nice man is interested in me, but I don’t feel a spark
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Why not see what happens when you prioritise someone who offers you stability and decency?. The question Last year I joined a choir where I became friends with a very nice man. Two months ago, my boyfriend and I ended in a rather painful way – I found out he was cheating on me. Now my choir friend has told me he has always had a crush on me. He never acted upon it because I was in a relationship, but now that I’m not, he would like to take me out to see where it will go (his words).
![[Philippa Perry]](https://i.guim.co.uk/img/uploads/2017/10/09/Philippa-Perry,-L.png?width=75&dpr=1&s=none&crop=none)
I’m flattered by his attention. He’s good-looking, sweet, interesting and has his life in order. I have no doubt about his sincerity and all-round decency. Yet, I don’t feel the great attraction or spark that I’ve had in previous relationships (and that also have led to some big mistakes).
For now, I told my friend it’s a little too soon for me to start dating again and he said he is willing to wait. Should I give this a shot? Will I hurt someone I care about more by declining his proposal or by giving him a chance and then finding it doesn’t work? If this is simply not the right time for me to start a new relationship, won’t that mean I am letting a potential great partner pass me by? It’s the old sense versus sensibility dilemma.
Philippa replies OK, let’s go with Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. (Spoiler alert) Marianne Dashwood, felt a massive spark for Willoughby. And what did we learn? That sparks don’t necessarily work out long-term. Willoughby was very sexy but also, unfortunately, like your ex-boyfriend, faithless. Colonel Brandon, on the other hand: not so good-looking, older than Marianne but faithful, kind, sensitive – and in time Marianne, who felt no initial spark at all, came to love him with a much deeper, more mature love than what she learned was the mere infatuation she had felt for Willoughby.
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