'Finding it hard to forgive wife's affair and she refuses counselling'
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Dear Coleen. Recently I found out that my wife had an affair with an ex-boyfriend. I saw an email from him that she’d left open on her laptop, so she couldn’t deny it. Apparently it had been going on for about a year. It’s over now and his wife and family don’t know, and I don’t feel it’s up to me to tell them.
I’ve known about this guy since my wife and I got together 12 years ago and he’s always been in her life as a friend, and I’ve met him on a few occasions at parties. I never once suspected they still had feelings for each other. I’m obviously far too trusting or just stupid.
When it all came out, I told her I wanted a divorce, but since then we’ve talked a lot and we’ve seen a relationship therapist a couple of times. We have two young children, so it’s not so easy to just give up. I want us to survive this, but my wife is still vague on her reasons for the affair and won’t open up about how she feels.
She says she finds counselling awkward and embarrassing, and that it feels unnatural to discuss such personal stuff with someone she doesn’t know. The thing is, I need her to be honest and transparent. I’m racking my brains trying to come up with reasons and I’m blaming myself.
How can we make this work?. Coleen says. It’s actually pretty normal to look inwards and start looking for reasons to blame yourself in this situation, and I say this from experience. But this is not your fault. It was your wife’s choice to have an affair rather than talk to you and face how she was feeling.
