Dear Jane,. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and we just celebrated our first Valentine's Day together. We went for a romantic, candle-lit dinner and drank a lot of wine. Back home, things started to heat up in the bedroom. We have an active sex life and, in my eyes, are fairly adventurous, frequently try new things. However, this time, he asked me to do something that made me wildly uncomfortable.
In the middle of sex, he asked if he could choke me. I was shocked — I didn't know he was interested in being violent in the bedroom. I said no immediately, but he kept pressing. He insisted all his friends choke their girlfriends in bed and that it's 'totally normal'. I said that I needed to think about it first. Dear Jane: My boyfriend asked to try a wild new bedroom kink on Valentine's Day. I said no but he insists all his friends do it.
But the more I ponder it, the more upset I am with his request. Firstly, it makes me fear that he thinks our sex is vanilla or even boring. Secondly, I can't understand why he would want to hurt me. I decided to text one of his friend's girlfriends, who I am also close with, to ask what her thoughts are. She told me that her boyfriend does choke her occasionally, but confessed that she hates it and finds it scary, but wants to please him and knows how much he likes it.
I think that the next time we have sex, my boyfriend will ask again, and I don't know what to do or say. Valentine's Victim. International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column. Dear Valentine's Victim,. My heart goes out to you and your friend. It was deeply upsetting to read that a woman is allowing her boyfriend to choke her, despite finding it frightening, simply because she doesn't value herself enough to say no.
Anything that falls under the category of 'kink' or 'non-vanilla' must involve two consenting adults. I have a friend whose fetish is being choked. On her very first date with the man who later became her husband, she confessed that was her thing and he agreed to try it out. Choking is now a regular part of their sex life, but only because they are both comfortable with it. It may be that you agree to try it, and if it's something that turns you on, more power to you both!.
It's important to note that choking in the bedroom tends to be a way of asserting power rather than being an act of violence. As we are seeing in all the rave reviews for the new movie Babygirl, there are plenty of women who fantasize about having a man dominate them and, for many, a hand around the neck is part of that. Though of course, this must always be performed safely, and should be researched thoroughly beforehand to avoid any harm.
And, if you are not among those who derive pleasure from choking, you must not do it. If your boyfriend tells you that it's the only way he's going to have a good time, then I'm afraid it's time for you to find yourself a new boyfriend. Your sexual wants and needs matter! Perhaps your boyfriend is finally comfortable enough with you to reveal his own kink, but if it is not yours then it's safe to assume that you are not compatible in bed.
My boyfriend and I got engaged a few months ago and have been saving up for the wedding. I'm not very good with handling finances, so I've just been sending him money here and there to add to our joint account for the occasion. However, a few days ago I got some concerning news from my brother. He is two years older than I am and we are very close. As a result, he has become good friends with my fiancé; they're fans of the same football team and will often watch games together.
The day after the Super Bowl, my brother swung by our apartment before my fiancé got home from work and asked to talk to me. He told me that my fiancé had asked if he could borrow 'a few thousand dollars' because he 'lost big' on a Super Bowl bet. When my brother asked how much exactly, my fiancé confessed he was $10,000 in debt from an accumulation of failed bets. I didn't even know my fiancé bet on sports. He has never once mentioned it to me.
When my brother denied him the loan, my fiancé begged him not to tell me and insisted he would get the money back somehow. I'm now extremely concerned that all our wedding money has been frittered away and, to be honest, I'm second-guessing whether I even want to marry someone who hasn't been honest with me. Bets are off. Women often find it hard to say no. But telling people what you will and will not endure is the only way to ensure a peaceful life.
The more you speak your mind, the easier it becomes. As you practice, if you're uncomfortable, you can always start with, 'I'll think about it'. Dear Bets are off,. I want to start by telling you that everything you feel is absolutely right. A healthy relationship has to be built on trust. Much like a building, if that foundation is shaky, it's impossible to build anything solid. I can imagine what a shock it has been to find yourself so betrayed.
