‘I haven't had sex with my husband for 10 years – this is how I had a Christmas affair'
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I've been lonely in my marriage for a very long time. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, but there hasn’t been any emotional or physical connection for the past decade. This unaffectionate relationship has become the norm. I have a nice life – a house, a car, pets, holidays abroad. I have two kids who are happy and we have a good family dynamic. But my husband, who’s 70, and I don’t have any connection at all. We have very little in common and don’t really talk to each other any more, We spend our evenings sitting on the sofa watching telly and having supper together, then we go to our separate bedrooms to sleep.
I think to myself, “I’m 51. I can’t live like this any more.” I’ve talked to him about it many times before, with the most recent time being about a month ago. I said, “I don’t feel like you listen to me. These are my wants and needs. When we got married, this isn’t how I thought it would be. We’re not a team or a partnership – we’re just housemates.”.
But he’s emotionally closed off and doesn’t want to hear it. Whether that’s because he doesn’t want to change or because he can’t, I don’t know, but I’ve kind of given up trying. He doesn’t understand the crushing depression that is being in a failed marriage. When you hit 50, you reassess what you want in life. I concluded I needed something for me, someone to validate me, notice me and make me feel wanted.
I worried that if I left it for another 10 years, no one would fancy me when I was 60! A year ago, I decided enough was enough. But I couldn’t join dating apps because you upload photos of yourself, which is too risky. My husband has grown-up kids, one of whom has split up from his wife recently, and I panicked that he might see my profile on there. So I googled “dating for married people” and found Illicit Encounters, a website that facilitates extramarital relationships. I started chatting to some men and going on coffee dates and quickly realised many people are in the same situation as me. They’ve been married for a really long time and just don’ have that spark any more.
